ISSUES IN PASTORAL COUNSELING

WITH YOUTH AND THEIR FAMILIES

            “For learning about wisdom and instruction, for understanding words of insight, for gaining instruction in wise dealing, righteousness, justice, and equity; to teach shrewdness to the simple, knowledge and prudence to the young – Let the wise also hear and gain in learning, and the discerning acquire skill, to understand a proverb and a figure, the words of the wise and their riddles.” Proverbs 1:2-6

It is inevitable that when you work with youth and they come to know and trust you that you will find yourself involved in some of the painful and difficult issues in life.  If you were a Marriage, Family, and Child Counselor before you started working with youth in the church, it helps.  However, if you took a psych class or two in college you might know enough to get yourself in real trouble.  Even if you have a B.A. in Psychology, like me, it may only be enough to give you a false sense of what you can do. 

Church families and church kids deal with suicide, addiction, physical abuse, sexual abuse, rape, mental illness,  and death, just to name a few possibilities.  The absolute best thing you can do is know what you are going to do when a kid you care about shares that one of these things is happening in their life.  If you are a trained counselor, God bless you, you may be able to do the counseling the kid and their family needs, along with other support.  Everyone else, however, needs to be very clear about how to refer the family to a good trained therapist or medical practitioner, while continuing to support the family as their youth minister or adult youth leader.

It is very seductive to have a kid trust you with a family secret.  It is easy to get sucked into family patterns that were firmly in place long before you showed up on the scene.  This is called, among other things, codependency and illusions of having more power than you really do. 

Build a strong network of therapists and medical folks that you can use as both a sounding board when issues arise, and referrals for the families.  Understand that you are part of a large team, including God, Christ and the Holy Spirit who will be working together to help and heal kids and their families – the larger the network, the better chance folks have of not falling between the cracks.

Make sure that your church puts money into the budget for continuing education and workshops for you and other adults who work with youth in all of these issues; not so that you can handle things yourself, but so that you can be a more effective member of that team.

There are, of course, lots of normal issues of youth angst where you can be a huge help to a kid.  Every kid periodically fights with their siblings or the adults raising them – but be careful you don’t get in the middle of a larger issue where you might not have all the information you need simply by talking to the kid.  All youth get sad and disheartened now and then, stressed out by school or social pressures.  You can certainly be a support for them in those times.  However, you need to know how to tell when normal sadness crosses over into depression or suicidal feelings, or the possibility of violent behavior, and who to tell about your concerns.  Many kids do some experimenting with drugs and alcohol and come out the other side fine.  Others get lost and addicted – the more you know about the warning signs the better you will be able to help them get help.  The same goes for sexual expression. Sometimes it’s healthy exploration, other times it’s a symptom of sexual abuse or rape – the difference can be subtle.

As a youth minister or adult youth leader you need to know your state’s laws regarding mandatory reporting of abuse.  You need to know the procedures for reporting.  It’s a good idea to know this before you are in the middle of a difficult and painful situation.

When a kid says, “I need to tell you a secret if you promise not to tell anyone,” never say just say, “OK.”  Tell them that you will of course keep confidentiality, but, if they are in danger, or someone else is in danger, you may need to tell someone else because you care about them.

Most importantly know, what your resources are in the church and community. That way, the kids and their families end up being treated as if they are the most important, - not just in feeling, but in fact.

Deepening Faith:  Youth Ministry Resources and Some Miscellaneous Advice

Rev. Lizann Bassham, Front Porch Spirit Press

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